CNN's Goad Cheese

CNN American Morning contestant, ex-CIA guy, Dr. Michael Scheuer, gets kinetic hostess Kiran Chetry and Christine Roman's goat behind Door #3.

Roman was foamin' after Scheuer took a couple of shots at the Obama administration for escalating U.S. involvement in Libya, culminating with an exasperated Scheuer accusing a clearly Incensed and out-of-control Roman of "carrying the water for Mr. Obama."  Via Carpe Diem (H/t ZD)

“I always get a little angry when people treat me as if I’m dumber than I look.”  Scheuer on Satuday's Fox & Friends.  Via Carpe Diem  (H/t ZD)


Chetry and Roman are among Piers Morgan's "feather dusters" in the categories of CIA HUMINT operations, U.S. foreign policy, and international relations -- and have no business discussing weighty issues below their pay grades but light years beyond their comprehension.  It's painful and embarrassing to watch these clueless girls who are better suited to Let's Make A Deal mute models.

Cable News Ratingzzz

Libya has been good for CNN.  Cable news ratings Wednesday March 30, 2011 via TVbytheNumbers. The once-third place cable news network is now second to Fox News in total viewers and 25-54 Wednesday, and #2 primetime in the golden 25-54 demo.

CNN's Wolf Blitzer's Situation Room beats MSNBC's delusional sexagenarian Chris Matthews in total viewers and the demo at 5p; Wolf carries the hour over MSNBC at 6p; at 7p John King bests Chris Matthews in both total viewers and 25-54; Eliot Spitzer is the missionary position's dominant partner over MSNBC 25-54 at 8p; Anderson Cooper teabags MSNBC blowhard Ed Schutz in total viewer and 25-54 at 10p.

Feather duster Piers Morgan is the chink in CNN's new armor.

GE CEO Jeff Immelt: Bridge Player

Immelts at Obama State Dinner

GE, once parent company now part-owner of NBC, is pissed that rival defense contractor Pratt & Whitney still has a lock on the Pentagon's $100 bil F135 contract. Below is the salient part of a full-page ad GE took out in this week's Washington Post -- now water under the bridge:

And Immelt's pal, Obama, is nowhere to be found. 

Moveon.org launched a petition drive Wednesday to force GE CEO Jeff Immelt to resign from Obama's Council on Jobs and Competitiveness over GE's tax evasion, among other things.  More Moveon.org outrage here.

An unrepentant Immelt to ABC's Jake Tapper Thursday:  it's "really not true' that GE has "shed jobs and a lot of jobs have gone overseas" since he became CEO, adding  "people get to think what they think."  Via ABC News:



GE's head flack's rebuttal ran in Wednesday's NYT.

Related:  NYT March 29, 2011:  GE to buy French company for $3.2 bil.  Chickaboomer:  Tax-Free GE

Piers Morgan's Twit Fit

Morgan interviewed the founders of Twitter.

Bonds' Junk

Friday March 25th's NBC Nightly News's glaring omission of news that once-parent company now part-owner GE not only paid no 2010 federal income taxes on $14.2 bil revenue but racked up a $3.2 bil tax credit was spun by an NBC flack this week to Wash Post reporter Paul Farhi as "a straight-forward editorial decision.  The kind we make daily here."*

Monday March 28.  NBC Nightly News anchor, Managing Editor, and tease Brian Williams makes an editorial decision to run a story on ex-San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds's incredible shrinking dick and balls. 

Williams: "Riveting testimony today in San Francisco federal court at the trail of Barry Bonds.  . . . His physical transformation was nothing short of dramatic. . . . And today prosecutors put his former girlfriend on the stand.  She testified in terms too graphic to mention here that his transformation was almost freakish." 

Then why even mention it?  Are we supposed to divine his dick is a clothespin and his testicles are two frozen peas?

Steroids are sooo unfair: Bonds also ended up with bigger feet, hands, and head.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Jon Stewart runs two clips in his sarcastic kicker segment --  The Moment of Zen -- of Williams from the aforementioned newscast and bites from CNN, NBC's Today Show, and CNBC: CNN: "His, uh, private parts were getting smaller."  NBC's Today: "Smaller and an unusual shape." CNBC: "Shrinkage."

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Moment of Zen - Barry Bonds on Trial
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

*Related: Mike Allen's POLITICO Playbook (Allen's a frequent flier on MSNBC's Morning Joe with other POLITICO ink-stained scribes) bitch slaps WaPo for not covering tax-free GE when the story broke: "THE MISSING SENTENCE, from Paul Farhi's story on yesterday's WashPost "Style" front, scolding "NBC Nightly News" for not covering The New York Times' revelation that GE, a parent company of NBC, paid no federal taxes last year: The Washington Post didn't cover it, either. Farhi's story was The Post's first crack at the controversy, despite what Farhi said was "widespread commentary in newspapers and on many Web sites."

Fox Business Network's First Nielsen Numbers

On October 15, 2007, Fox Business Network went on the air.  FBN didn't subscribe to Nielsen until now.  Hot off the press, Tuesday's numbers via Bill Gorman TVbytheNumbers:

Tuesday March 29, 2011 cable news ratings Via TVbytheNumbers prove CNN is ahead of  MSNBC in total viewers and beating MSNBC at 5 and 6p. MSNBC's Morning Joe is gaining audience.

30 Second Congress

"How do you make out with someone in thirty seconds?"  Fox & Friends Brian Kilmeade seconds before ageless (could be Brian's mommy at nearly 65) soap opera doyenne Susan "Erica Kane" Lucci demonstrates the art of the soap opera kiss.

Vid here via Johnny Dollar's Place (H/t Thomas Stewart III)

As for Brian's question, "How do you make out with someone in thirty seconds?"  Uh, you can do a lot in 30 seconds. Don't ask.  Like bomb Japan.  Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo 1944.

30th Reagan Assassination Attempt Anniversary

Thirty years ago today marks the assassination attempt of President Ronald Reagan.  NBC Nightly News anchor John Chancellor with a Chris Wallace report:



ABC News anchor Frank Reynolds breaks the story:



Where were you when Reagan was shot? I was 32 years old and living in Falls Church, Virginia six miles from DC. My writing partner, Carla O'Neill, and her then-five year old daughter, Shannon, were visiting me from Detroit.

Obama's Turd de Force

Jon Stewart skewers CNN's Wolf Blitzer for loftily proclaiming Obama's televised Libya 2012 campaign speech doublespeak as "the clearest form of what we could call the Obama Doctrine" to a shell-shocked John McCain:

Stewart snarls: "No. It's not a doctrine, Wolf. It's a measured cost benefit . . . Just 'cause you're calling it a doctrine doesn't make it a doctrine. You're not the Tyler Perry of the Obama Doctrine. Wolf Blitzer presents Wolf Blitzer's Obama Doctrine. That's not what this is. Why is everybody freaking out? All Obama's done is laid bare the shining spreadsheet on the Hill. That always has been the real force behind presidents' foreign policy decisions despite all of our soaring freedom rhetoric."

Stewart on Obama's new press spox Jay Carney's spin: "Which frankly just makes it sound like a fucking PBS special. WNYC is proud to present a military action in concert with our international partners, NATO, the Chubb Group, and the Barry and Helen Lipshitz Foundation. See, now I'm confused! Now are we protecting civilians with this no-fly zone but also attacking a regime with our kinetic military action and no-fly zone -- plus?" . . . What are we doing!  What is this thing?"

Clip of NBC News WH correspondent and MSNBC The Daily Rundown anchor Savannah Guthrie on Sunday's NBC Meet The Press:  "One person told me in a meeting, he called this military action in Libya 'a turd sandwich,' but he was quoting one of his national security aides."

Moderator David Gregory laughs uncomfortably. Venerable old hands Bob Woodward, Ted Koppel, and Foreign Policy mag expert Thomas E. Ricks are dumbfounded. Woodward later delicately references Savannah's "turd sandwich"  as "t-sandwich."

Stewart:  "By the way, I don't want to disagree, obviously,  with the military but I don't believe it's a turd sandwich.  I believe it's a bread-based feces containment operation."

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Define and Conquer
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Fox News ExtenZ Erection

25.6 total viewers caught Obama's Libya campaign speech on Tee Vee Monday night demonstrating Obama's declining fortune in drawing suckers eyes Via TVbytheNumbers

As is custom, Fox News kicked cable ass. Via TVNewser:

• FNC: 2,849,000 total viewers / 801,000 25-54

• CNN: 1,654,000 total viewers / 514,000 25-54

• MSNBC: 1,255,000 total viewers / 354,000 25-54

• HLN: 236,000 total viewers / 70,000 25-54

Fox News ExtenZ its nine-year screwing of rivals MSNBC and CNN by coming in (37 consecutive quarters) at #1 Q1 2011. Via TVNewser

Fox:  Primetime 4th most watched basic cable network.  Daytime:  6th.  Prime and total day, Fox humps CNN and MSNBC combined in total viewers.

Shep Smith's Fox Report #3 in the golden 25-54 demo in all of cable.  Bret Baier #5 25-54.  O'Reilly #1.  Hannity #2. 

Fox occupies the top 12 cable shows 25-54.  Glenn Beck and Greta Van Susteren made the top 12, but Q1 2011 numbers plummeted from Q1 2010. Beck down 30% total viewers; 37% 25-54.  Greta:  down 23% total viewers. TVNewser

TVbytheNumbers Bill Gorman on Beck: "I don’t pay any attention to the various rumors swirling around the show, but the ratings are no rumor."

Related: Just for kicks, read CNN's delusional press release spinning Q1 2011 numbers.

Extreme Makeover Senate Edition

NY Sen. Chuck "I'd Walk A Mile For A Camera" Schumer shoots himself in the head on a Dem conference call with, unbeknownst to him, reporters listening. The Washington Examiner's Beltway Confidential titters Schumer is heard prepping colleagues to aim low in portraying Repub Senate rivals' budget cuts as "extreme" to reporters waiting to query the senators on the phone.

Unfortunately for Schumer, the four senators weren't on the Tuesday conference call yet -- only the reporters. (H/t ZD)

Stuttering John Stossel: Against All Odds

Nice two-pager on Fox Business Network's John Stossel in the upcoming April 11th issue of People mag.  The veteran ABC News 20/20 newsman who bolted to FBN talks about how he overcame his TV career-killing stuttering. 

I admire and respect Stossel for exorcising the demon.  I had to employ "kinetic military action" to dispatch my dreadful lisp into exile before I became a radio news anchor/reporter.

NYT Suspicious Packages

NYT Monday announcement of "three packages" charging online readers.

Room and Bored

Why was Orlando Sentinel reporter Scott Powers sequestered in a snug storage room for more than an hour with just a bottle of water during a Joe Biden Dem fundraiser last week when the host's Florida house boasts many rooms in which to exercise the customary banishment of pool press only permitted to witness the official speeches and not the schmoozing?  See Chickaboomer Biden His Time.

Comedy Central's Jon Stewart weighs in on Powers's rm w/no view:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
A Room of One's Own
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

The Biden camp issued a rear view apology.

Tax-Free GE!

The Daily Show's Jon Stewart follows up Friday's strafing of GE and NBC News for NBC's frequent on-air disclaimers "GE, the parent company/part-owner of NBC," with Friday's bombshell that GE not only paid no 2010 federal taxes but got a $3.2 bil tax credit.

Jon Stewart Monday on Republican calls for corporate tax breaks: "Can you blame a company like GE for not wanting to do business in American when it has to pay 35 percent of its profits back to America?" 

Stewart calculates GE's federal tax rate on 2010 worldwide revenue as  "a negative 60 percent."  

Stewart: "But wait!  We've been told the only reason corporations aren't creating jobs here is the punitive corporate tax rates . . . but apparently even with their negative 60 percent tax rate GE has cut a fifth of its American jobs in the last nine years while boosting jobs overseas. Y'know, I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people but they didn't realize those people are assholes.  Fortunately our top man is on the case."

Obama and GE CEO Jeff immelt

Clip of Obama May 4, 2009:  "We will stop letting American companies that create jobs overseas take deductions on their expenses when they do not pay any American taxes on their profits."

Stewart:  "The people have a champion!  And he's gonna be hopin' ass and takin' change. GE CEO Jeff Immelt is about to find out why we elected this anti-business, socialist, Marxist, Kenyan warrior." 

Clip of Obama January 21:  Jeff Immelt, he understands what it takes for America to compete in the global economy.  And I'm so proud and pleased that Jeff has agreed to chair this panel, my Council on Jobs and Competitiveness, because we think GE has something to teach businesses all across America."

Stewart:  "Yeah, you ripped him up a new -- wait, chairmanship?  I give up!  What's GE gonna teach businesses all across American?  To bolster their tax department?  With former officials from the Treasury and IRS and all relevant committees and make it 975 people?  Who says they're not creating jobs?  Of course, GE still has SOME workers in America.  Like NBC Nightly News.  And the night this story broke, they were probably all over it like --- nothing. They didn't report at all that GE had, y'know.  Well, to be fair Libya, Japanese radiation, there's an awful lot going on the world and I, I imagine their Friday night newscast is chock full of the type of urgent news that would preclude a more esoteric financial story."

Cut to NBC Nightly News anchor Lester Holt: "The Oxford English Dictionary, the most formal and proper of them all, has added some decidedly informal words to its lexicon tonight. LOL and OMG. Whassup.  Taquito.  Muffin top made the list.  According to Oxford, its the flesh that protrudes above waistband of a tight pair of pants.  Or what happens to  you if you eat too many taquitos."

OMG, the thieving muffin-topped Taquito Bandito!  LOL!

BriWi seat-filler Holt, (branded the Taquito Second Banana in this space, quoth The Raven "Evermore"), provokes Stewart's ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha Napoleon the 14th "They're coming to take me away!  Ha Ha!":  "OMG!  I GIVE UP!"

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
I Give Up - Pay Anything...
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Update: Paul Farhi Wash Post Did NBC's silence have anything to do with the fact that one of its parent companies is GE?

GE's Engine Block

General Electric has balls taking out this full-page ad in Tuesday's Washington Post crying monopoly foul over rival defense contractor Pratt & Whitney's 30-year lock on a $100 bil defense contract.

What is the GE-Comcast deal that sailed through Obama Chicago pal Julius Genachowski's Democrat FCC? A monopoly, curse critics.  Even former NBC SNL hire now Sen. Al Franken opposed (impotently) the fait accompli deal.

 So Obama's BFF GE CEO Jeff Immelt is counting on his Obama friendship to screw Pratt & Whitney.

Again, how did GE manage to escape 2010 taxes on $14.2 bil revenue AND end up with a $3.2 bil tax credit?

 Related:  Chickaboomer NBC News & GE:  The Parent Trap