I'm taking off Tuesday to get my hair highlighted (roots are a horror!) and trimmed. Maybe I can crank out a couple of hits before I leave.  Asheville, NC is three hours from Witness Protection Program Land.  An all-day thing. Tell me it's worth it.  Photo:  Lola hair salon June 2009.

Caption This!

The Huffington Post roots for the color of blood (sort of) following Obama's split lip.  Michelle Obama's got her game on with an orange leather boob-grazing belt.  H/t orgasmic Mrs. O  Satirical Michelle's Mirror

My Heart Will Go On

Serious turned comedic actor Leslie Nielsen exits the planet.  The Airplane and Naked Gun star was 84.  Pneumonia.  In Fort Lauderdale. LA Times 

NBC's WH correspondent Chuck Todd made the egregious error Monday a.m. by suggesting to fellow WH correspondent and MSNBC Daily Rundown co-host Savannah Guthrie that Nielsen's shtick appealed only to men.  Gender specific.  Guthrie shot back: I loved him, or words to that effect. Chuck was what, a testosterone-fueled 16 when Naked Gun came out in 1988?

Maybe Chuck believes passing gas on TV news morning shows and CNN's Larry King Live is the exclusive domain of me.  Nielsen once farted on a live morning TV show:



Airplane and Naked Gun producers, the Zucker brothers' tribute to Leslie:



A Cliffs Notes of Naked Gun hilarity:



H/t Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times  More clips including Nielsen's Ben Hur audition. The Hollywood Reporter  NYDN: Quotable Frank Drebin NYDN Nielsen clips

Watch the trailer from the first in the Naked Gun trilogy where Lt. Frank Drebin's bumbling sidekick Nordberg is billed as "O.J. Simpson like you've never seen him before."  And never again.

For someone who has encountered live mics dating back to 1972, my all-time favorite scene is in the first movie where Frank drinks too much water at a press conference, heads for the john with his mic still clipped on.  The horrified reporters and city officials are treated to Frank's pissing, singing, and farting:

Movie Videos & Movie Scenes at MOVIECLIPS.com

I've Got You Under My Skin

CNN Reliable Sources and Daily Beast blogger Howard Kurtz to the NYT's The Caucus blogger Michael Shear:

KURTZ: You live-blogged "The Ed Show." This is Ed Schultz on MSNBC. (LAUGHTER) And I went and counted 36 entries in one hour. So my question is, were you sober?

Kurtz sobers up and focuses his gimlet eyes on Elle magazine's sexy pix of NBC News WH correspondent and MSNBC anchor Savannah Guthrie (below) and  NYT columnist Maureen "The BS Detector" Dowd. 

And Parker of CNN's ratings disaster Parker Spitzer.  Parker confesses CNN has "given me somebody to help me sort of fill out my closet. They want me wearing jewel tones. And well, I like whatever they like. They want me to look good, right? So I’m not gonna argue with them, but I do want to dress up a bit. I don’t want to look like I’m going to cover the Congress; I want to look like I’m at a dinner party. I’ve got these little D.C. suits that are just gonna have to sit in my closet.”

Howard's clearly obsessed:

Howard, shut the fuck up and spend the rest of Sunday talking dirty to hot chicks on Facebook.  Or fantasizing about performing a pat-down on Savannah Guthrie.

Meet The Depressed: "Could we just eat basic meats?"

Just in time for the holidays: yet another coffee table book on the Obamas. This one showcases kiddie letters to Michelle Obama. Sunday's NYT editorial page pimps the genius behind this  book and some of the letters.

Pre-order now for early December shipping! Book sales go to the non-profit San Francisco-based 826 National to teach children creative and expository writing. These are three of the samples the NYT printed culled from  826 National director Lauren Hall. 

Your thoughts?  I have too many, mostly _______________fill in the blank . . . Write your letters to Michelle in CB's comment boxes.  Perhaps I can rush pub a companion volume in time for the holidays.

Congress: Money Never Sleeps

NYT columnist Frank Rich in Still The Best Congress Money Can Buy:  Such is the bipartisanship of the funk that Jon Stewart and Glenn Beck each succeeded in bringing off well attended rallies in Washington to commiserate over the country’s political and governmental stagnation — with each rally offering its competing diagnosis.

For Stewart, the hyperpartisanship of the modern news media remains the nation’s curse. “The country’s 24-hour politico pundit panic conflict-onator did not cause our problems,” he told the throngs at his rally to “restore sanity,” but it “makes solving them that much harder.”At Beck’s rally to “restore honor,” the message seemed to be that America’s principal failing is a refusal to recognize that God “is our king.” If Stewart’s antidote was more civility, Beck’s was more prayer.

Stewart’s point is indisputable as far as it goes. Beck’s, not so much: If prayer hasn’t cured this highly prayerful nation by now, it may be because our body politic has long since developed an immunity to it. But both rallies, for all the commotion they generated, have already faded to the status of quirky historical footnotes. The reason is that neither addressed the elephant in the room — or the donkey. That would be big money — the big money that dominates our political system, regardless of who’s in power.  [Cartoon:  Barry Blitt]

Cue Barrett Strong's 1959 Motown hit "Money."

Rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated.

The New York Times kills an actor in Sunday's obits.  The actor playing Dr. Sigmund Freud is very much alive after collapsing Freud's Last Session -- an off-Broadway play. The "obit" reports the audience thought it was part of the play until  the stage manager yelled:  "Is there a doctor in the house?" 

Actor Martin Raynor is expected to rise from the dead to reprise Dr. Freud.

A Man, A Plan, A Scan . . .

Why the Obama Full Monty body scanners are a violation of the Fourth Amendment.  George Washington University law professor Jeffrey Rosen in Sunday's Wash Post.

Premature Ejaculation

How did the Associated Press get its hot little hands Friday on a press release not for release until Monday on Laura Schlessinger's Sirius XM January debut?

Over at the anti-Laura Huffington Post, the news is trumpeted by a WWIII banner and Danny Shea's story.  Right, Laura's Facebook profile photo.

Related:  Al Peterson's News/Talk/Sports  Radio-Info  Talkers Magazine

Obama Lip Smacker

Obama's lip zipped with 12 stitches after he was elbowed during a pick-up basketball game at Fort McNair Friday. Politico  Tight-lipped WH spox Robert Gibbs is not fingering the player with the errant elbow.  Wash Post NYT speculates the First Lady's brother. NYDN Update: the elbow boner outed himself.  NYP  H/t ZD

Above, Obama with presidential butt boy, Reggie Love, on the court at the time of the injury (was it Duke b-ball star Reggie?).  Below, read his lips: WH shot of Obama icing his sealed lip.

Somebody's gotta keep tabs on Obama's Basketball Jones. (Cheech & Chong 1973)

Michelle Obama's got her hands full fending off supermarket tabloids digging into Obama's Love Jones:



Chicago's own Brighter Side Of Darkness, Love Jones, 1972.

MSNBC v Fox News: Package Delivery

Why do you suppose MSNBC shows the Full Monty while Fox News buries the sausage? Mediaite is clueless.

Hardballs with Chris Matthews:


Fox's fuzzy balls:

Eliot Spitzer: Rough Sledding

CNN's Eliot Spitzer intends to embody Parker Spitzer's slider ratings this winter by engaging in his favorite sport outside the bedroom: sledding. Danny Shea Huffington Post

Competitive Position: Diane Not On Top

ABC's Diane Sawyer:  "...she is always poorly positioned."  NYP Page Six

The Way We Were

Reeling in the years on Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.  ABC News slideshow. Macy's parade website.  Watch the guys blow up the balloons.  See the sked and the stars!  Watch it LIVE here 9a EST!

Happy Thanksgiving!

NY Daily News advises keeping the old farts away from pumpkin pie. Why?  The aroma gives men woodies.  The Science Channel ranks pumpkin pie at #9.  SC also reports cheese pizza and buttered popcorn stimulate packages.

Scents for a woman: licorice and cucumber.

More aphrodisiacs here via the NYT.

Whoopi Inflates O'Reilly's Ratings Cushion

A nearly 300,000 increase in Monday's total viewers and more than 100,000 in the golden 25-54 demo. Tuesday Nov. 23, 2010 Via TVbytheNumbers

Payne Killer: MSNBC's Ed Schultz Cannibal Lecture

MSNBC's Ed Schultz rams an out-of-context sound bite Tuesday up the rear of FBN's Charles Payne.  Knee-jerk Ed interprets Payne's comment on cannibalism as advocating eating people as Payne relief for the   pain and suffering jobless.  H/T NewsBusters

Liberals are more likely to scoop up  humans for Soylent Green in a worldwide food shortage.

This may be the last year for the traditional turkey presidential pardon . . . Michelle's Mirror

Makin' Whoopi

Whoopi Goldberg snarls "bullshit" when Fox's Bill O'Reilly calls her "Ms. Goldberg."  As in "what's this bullshit about Ms. Goldberg?  Call me Whoopi."  The dueling duo hadn't met since on The View set in October when O'Reilly set off a firestorm over his Muslim remarks, prompting Whoopi to utter "bullshit" and walk off the set. Tuesday Whoopi appeared to pimp her new book and manufacture more controversy. H/t Huffington Post Mediaite

All great theater.  Media buzz and ratings guaranteed.

"If somebody had said to me, in week one, 'Bristol Palin's in the final,' I'd have pickled me walnuts!"

That was DWTS  senior professional judge, Len Goodman, before Tuesday's show.

NYP's Linda Stasi:  "Last night Palin was actually better than she's ever been.  She was good, in fact, and for the first time, her partner, Mark Ballas, didn't look as if he was dragging around a major home appliance. But not good enough. The bottom line, however, is that it was great TV. It was national politics disguised as the paso doble.However, America last night put politics aside and did the right thing by giving Grey the Mirror Ball."

Related: NYP Bristol Stomped  Washington Post NYDN 1  NYDN 2  NYT's Brian Stelter The Palins Ensure They Stay In The News

The winner is ABC as DWTS finale ratings jump 25% from a year ago.  Bill Carter NYT

Deep Throats Mind if I smoke, while you're eating?

The New York Daily News uses Thanksgiving as an excuse to run photos of celebrities snapped stuffing their faces. Above, Betty White.  Below, Larry King and Joe Biden.  See more.

Showless Joe Scarborough

Three HLN shows top CNN's fare Monday Nov. 22, 2010 via TVbytheNumbers  MSNBC's Joeless Morning Joe (first day of Scarborough's two-day suspension for campaign donations*) loses in the golden 25-54 demo to HLN's Robin Meade.  NBC's Tom Brokaw was in Tuesday to lend gravitas in Joe's absence. (Brokaw was on Obama's 2008 VP list and in July both he and Matt Lauer admitted they are Dems in what appeared to be an oral slip on the Today show.) Meade's Morning Express renders CNN's American Morning roadkill.

CNN's John King USA konged by HLN's Issues while Parker Spitzer is creamed by Nancy Grace.

* Could it be that Keith Olbermann is out to prove Scarborough a bigger sinner with this from Olbermann's Village Voice pals?

Check out NBC, MSNBC, CNBC and all GE political donations here.

Al Sharpton's Restricted Delivery

Just days before Al Sharpton was pounded in the press for collecting a quarter mil pay last year with his org drowning in red ink, Sharpton once again raised that old chestnut:  a new, improved Fairness Doctrine to shut Rush Limbaugh's maw.  Radio Equalizer  H/t ZD

Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain

After a boffo debut drawing five million viewers, Sarah Palin's second TLC reality outing attracted only three mil -- 40% lower. James Hibberd The Live Feed

Cockeyed Peacock

NBC's Matt Lauer interviews the shady Ground Zero mosque developer of legal ill repute as one of NBC's People of the Year. Pundit Press Gateway Pundit  Sharif El-Gamal blithely suggests Park 51 is nothing more than a Muslim Jewish community center.

Delusional El-Gamal: "Not once have I held my faith accountable for the horrific events of 9/11.  I am an American.  I am an American who has a specific belief system, and my belief system, in order to be a Muslim you have to be a good Jew and a good Christian." Watch it here.

Kelly Blue Look

The GQ piece on Fox's It Girl Megyn Kelly is out.  Black slip: Dolce & Gabbana.  Killer sandals: Christian Louboutin.

Crossbite

Fox's "The Simpsons" skewers Fox News in a secret conclave of America's media empires. "NBC, you are here to listen and not to speak."  The TV czars decide to create a lonnnng news cycle by unleashing a deadly virus on the American public   The NBC guy looking like Jeff Zucker is summoned from his seat whereupon the head media scion stabs him in the arm with a menacing hypodermic needle.

Bill O'Reilly attacked the bit as biting the hand that feeds.

This kind of deliberate, fake internecine BS is mere PR fodder for the predictable media buzz saw. All the TV networks do it.  Their targets bite the bait. Yawn.  The conversation should be about the sorry state of the knee-jerk media and not about reactionary who zooms whom trumpeted as "news." 

a

H/t Huffington Post

Junk Bond: New Definition

The Daily Beast's Howard Kurtz has "about had it" with knee-jerk media turning the airport pat-downs into "a junk story."  Howard quotes TSA head John Pistole: "stiffly sticks to his talking points."

Thwarting terrorists. The Obama WH has found itself in a politically incorrect firestorm while eschewing the obvious terrorist profiling in the name of political correctness. 

Then last weekend SNL made a frisky fake ad extolling the heretofore unknown benefits of refusing the scanners for human hands. Snatch.com. Or J-Date.  J for Junk. TSA might consider hiring those hunky, experienced package-fondling UPS drivers.

Were the Israelis consulted before Obama instituted frisking on the fly?  In 1982 I flew from Zurich to Tel Aviv.  Experienced, highly trained security professionals performed pat-downs. 

The Obama experiment is a comedy of avoidable errors. 
  

Frankensense

Former SNL staple Al Franken is ticked off Comcast, without benefit of a government-blessed union, announced changes in NBC management last week. In other words, consummating the marriage before the ceremony.  Or these days, popping out illegitimate progeny. Hollywood Reporter  

Monday Al wrote a letter to the Justice Department questioning Comcast's authority and raising the antitrust old chestnut, "gun-jumping."   Insider trading between prospective mergerer and mergeree as the deal wends its way through the cumbersome regulatory process. Deadline  Read the letter here.

Why wasn't Al crying foul when Comcast's #2 guy, Steve Burke, who named himself Jeff Zucker's successor, fired Zucker weeks ago?

Cable News Ratingzzz

Friday Nov. 19, 2010 via TVbytheNumbers.  Anderson Cooper ties in total viewers with MSNBC Investigates.  Rear-ended 25-54.

Rush: "Keep your hands off my tea bag."

Via RealClearPolitics  A new ABC News/Washington Post poll finds most surveyed favor the body scans but the pat-downs, not so much.

Is it possible that the Obama WH is deliberately making the TSA body searches so intrusive and repulsive that people won't rage against the machine?

This ain't no turn-on for the gropers grabbing gobs of girth.  NY mag

Keith Olbermann Brays, Huffington Post Nays

The Huffington Post kills a blogger's Frances the Talking Mule piece on MSNBC's Keith Olbermann.  But it's here!  Perhaps HP was offended by the headline:  They Shoot Mules, Don't They? -- a riff on Jane Fonda's 1969 movie They Shoot Horses, Don't They?  H/t ZD

Killing Two Birds With One Stone

ESPN poses Olympian Lindsay Vonn in Sharon Stone's infamous 1992 Basic Instinct crotch shot (L & R).  Mediaite's prissy Rachel Sklar makes a basic stink over Vonn/Stone's gams.

That was so 20 years ago when Rachel was a mere 20. Before body scanners and TSA sexy pat-downs memorialized on cell phone videos.