CNN: Bad To The Bone

Self-flogged "television writer" and "political consultant" Raymond Siller opines in Monday's USA Today that CNN needs to get some  "creativity" to compete with ratings giant Fox News.

Siller, 71, (right in the middle with Ronald Reagan and Reagan's chief of staff Jim Baker) is much too modest.  As Johnny Carson's "Tonight Show: head writer, Siller copped four Emmy nominations.  He wrote Gridiron and Alfalfa Club jokes for four presidents - all Republicans.  Wrote for Nixon VP Spiro T. Agnew (not the "nattering nabobs of negativism" line about the media - that was penned by the late William Safire). 

So you tell me if Siller's funny in this piece on how CNN could get creative and crawl out of the ratings sewer. Or maybe you can do better . . .

• If CNN continues on its course, dinosaurs will be suing for copyright infringement. It's like watching the Sex and the City ladies rocking to Bad Romance in orthopedic Jimmy Choos.
• Fox's success must be affecting the bottom lines of its competitors. It's so bad you'd half expect one of CNN's executives to get caught in a sting trying to sell access to Sarah Ferguson.
• CNN is so pressed, it might be tempted to bring back Turner in his own show stating his positions on politics, the economy, religion and time travel. It could be called Fair and Unbalanced. Or it could reprise Crossfire but in a different format, broadcast live from the Arizona-Mexico border.

Me: Bring back birther and rabid illegal alien foe Lou Dobbs, CNN!

• The network could do a segment on how a homegrown terrorist can make a bomb in his garage using ingredients commonly found in Heidi Montag's face. It could combine investment tips with showbiz news and recommend a hedge fund that shorts Betty White.

Siller's CNN poison pen leaks on MSNBC:

• MSNBC executives could try to humanize its anchors. Using BP technology, they could install a robocam 24/7 inside Chris Matthews' pants so viewers can spot new chills running down his leg.

Or Matthews's long-suffering wife, Kathleen, could contain the blowhard's dribble . . . (My line) . . . capping that well in a matter of seconds.

• CNN could broadcast an exclusive interview with writer Joe McGinnis asserting that Todd Palin's Alaskan husky chews a performance-enhancing rawhide bone.
• In an upcoming investigative report, CNN might reveal the real reason Al and Tipper Gore separated: The marriage began to unravel when Al gained so much weight, Tipper made him wear a blowout preventer.

Me again: "blowout" or "blowjob preventer?"

• To corral the 18- to 49-year-old demographic, Wolf Blitzer might be replaced onThe Situation Room by Mike "The Situation" of Jersey Shore. Wolf could retain his day job as president of the Men's Wearhouse.

Don't insult graybeard CEO George Zimmer with the great "you're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it" pipes . . .  Love his voice even though he's a raging Democrat - like Blitzer.

I guarantee Wolf is eight months older than George, and that Wolf hates the way he looks.  Wolf 62 born March 1948 - George 61 born November 1948.  But I digress . . .

• Emulating the football Sean Hannity tosses when going to commercial, each night Larry King could throw an ex-wife at the camera.

Me:  Or a loaded Depend adult diaper.

• As a worst case scenario, CNN will cut back to just one hour a day. Anderson Cooper will take the Fox blondes out for a dirty-martinis lunch, then have them reveal whassup on breaking news.

Me, just asking: Are there any blond males at Fox News?

How about a tug-of-war between Anderson Cooper and Rick Sanchez with a "performance-enhancing rawhide bone?"